TABLES AND CHARTS


Geologic Ages and Events

TIME (BP)
in millions
of years
ERA/EPOCH LIFE FORMSGEOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS
5000AtonalRocksMountain ranges upthrust; continents form
3000PRECOCIOUS
CatatonicGreem slimeEarthquakes and volcanoes
ProphylacticGreen slime w/ orange spotsVolcanoes and earthquakes
505ORTHOPEDIC
AccordianSeashellsTorrential rains
425PedestrianMore seashellsThunder and lightning
360FreudianSlimy thingsMore rain
325ArtesianSlimy things w/ tentaclesMore thunder and lightning
280PestiferousNasty crawly thingsMore rain, oceans form
230ObstreperousLots of nasty crawly thingsRain w/ intermittent volcanoes
205METATARSAL
CrypticBig warty thingsSwamps form
165StypticReally big warty thingsHot, drifting continents
135CreosoteWarty things too big; start overEven hotter, lots of mosquitoes
75CRETINOUS
ObsceneLittle hairy animalsCooler, 20% chance of comets
UglysceneBig hairy animalsWindy, small continent warning
39VaselineAnimals w/ silly hornsCold, w/ night and morning glaciers
28ListerineAnimals that don't understand
about tar pits
Fair inland, patchy fog near coast
12OvaltineShree trewsGreat weekend for a barbecue
1PlasticineFirst homonymsSmog alert
25,000
years ago
RecentModern person;
first Republicans
Freeways upthrust; suburbs form
15
minutes ago
Very recentComputer nerds emergeFast-food chains develop

CONVERSION TABLE FOR
WEIGHTS AND MEASURES

Length
325 cubebs = 1 furbish
6 furbishes = 1 nautical smile
20 nautical smiles = 1 minor league
3 minor leagues = 1 major league

Liquid Measure
24 pips = 1 damn
6 damns = 1 merken
9 merkens = 1 galleon
1.2 galleons = 1 empirical galleon

Dry Measure
6 grits = 1 scrimmage
4 scrimmages = 1 hogsnout
3 hogsnouts = 1 ratsass
12 ratsasses = 1 passel

Weight
24 carrots = 1 pickleweight
30 pickleweights = 1 tuna
1000 tunas = 1 short ton
1.37 short tons = 1 tall ton

SYMBOLS USED IN MATHEMATICS
greater than, less than, or maybe equal to
has some kind of relation to
is very reminiscent of
probably has nothing to do with
is too expensive
must be equivalent to something
x varies as y, or maybe z
plus or minus an unknown sum
I'll let you know when I look it up
I left the figures in my coat pocket
some
pie
what's the difference?

METRIC UNITS OF MEASUREPREFIXES
in powers of 10
NameDescription
argunit of work done incorrectly12helluva-
galumphunit of waste motion9heckuva-
lumpenunit of resistence to getting out of bed in the morning:
gravity inertia apathy
6lotsa-
3buncha-
fignewton= 100 calories2bozo-
jowlunit of excess weight: lumpens fignewtons1decca-
melvinunit of temperature, as measured from
"just right" to "hellish"
-1desi-
-2sexi-
yokunit of humor-3silli-
vampireunit of repulsive force of garlic-9banana-
candelabraunit of tasteless interior decoration-12doodoo-


Introduction

The Universe / Matter & Energy / The Earth / Evolution / The Descent of Man

Appendix / Glossary / Tables & Charts / Further Reading